“You don’t feel like I do MORE than what a friend would?”
“Yes your fine. I’m not discounting that. You’re a good friend. And you do exceedingly more. And I appreciate that.”
A big part of me hates you because you saw how hard I was falling for you and you chose to do nothing. You let my emotions grow with no intent of returning the feeling. Now I’m sitting here assed out because I love you but you either refuse or are unable to reciprocate the emotion.
“We’re just friends, nothing else.”
A bigger part of me accepts your bullshit because of that particular emotion that you didn’t suggest I stop before things got messy. Because of the love that you saw blossoming inside of me every time you looked in my eyes, felt my touch, read my words but refused to let me know that it was growing in vain.
“Keep telling myself ‘It’s just a rough patch, we’ll get through it.’ But I’m telling myself that every other week now. I don’t know that we were made to last.”
The biggest part of me is devastated, weak, disabled even, because I’m throwing in the towel, white flags waving, I’m cashing in all my chips; DONE! I’m walking away from you because you hold on, not to the “friendship” we have, but onto the part of me that loves you. You won’t let go of the way I give to you without question, the days & nights you need companionship and my name is the only one able to part your lips. Then I find your name doing more than just crossing my mind, it lingers on my tongue as well, through deep moans and quiet screams; soon your undesirable yearning for my warmth also causes a separation of another set of lips. The way you hold onto my love without thought as to what it does to my well being has killed me so I have to save myself.
“When you’re used to the one you love giving you nothing, you’ll take anything.”
You’re my Hancock & I your Mary. Although I love you, when I’m near you, you drain me of life. Sucking my excellence, my strength & will out of me. You are my heart but now I must live without you. How can one expect me to survive without my core organ? The pain is insurmountable & my eyes just will not forgive. They are red, puffy, & the tears don’t stop no matter the time of day. My body is weak, dragging along; the lack of nourishment it endures since my realization of continuing on in a world without you, has confused my mind. All my time is allotted to my heart because they say time heals all; I need a speedy recovery. Be it written in the books on this day that love not only physically hurts, but kills. Gaze into my eyes and there will be a dark, empty shell you peer into. The will to do anything has escaped me. It left the moment I decided I was going to stop loving; when my heart tore, ripped, and yanked itself from my body and walked away without so much as a flinch.
“We fine. You making it hard when it’s not. I’m fine.”
If one is to pass by me in the streets, don’t call to me for I will not come. Do not take it personally because it is not. When one has no heart, they are cold and distant. I am unsure as to what I do now. Do I look to replace it, continue as I am; empty, or do I fight to get it back? But is it possible to own something that was never meant to be yours? Do you then settle for what you can get? Love plays a cruel hand.
“Do you think I’m good for you?”
“As a friend, yes. “
Life is sure to go on though, with or without love. So I must do the same. As broken as I am, I have to put myself back together as I have done so many times before, and will continue to do in the future.
“Whenever I see someone with their significant other, I just want to hold mine tighter, but I just end up hugging myself…he’s nowhere to be found.”
I am furious, devastated, and filled to the brim with resentment but I ask God put my being at ease. I ask, beg, that God grants me new life in the form of loving self before others. God steer me home; I am lost, scared, and stiff breezes hit the back of neck, chilling me to the bone. Still!! With concrete feet, an empty chest, and a hollow being, I strive towards better days. Where I walk on clouds, am filled again with love, and my purpose in life is apparent to all that surround me. He took the best part of me but I refused to let him have all of me. There will be bigger bangs, louder booms, and harder falls in what’s to come but I will not proceed unarmed. I’ve lost this battle, but believe I will win the war. As victor and proof of my win, I will flaunt love where everyone can see. The arm, left of my heart, my hand; third finger from the thumb, will be a symbol that I have finally won love. Not overcome it, defeat it, or captured it but possess it! Until then, the hurt is present and it reminds me every now and again with a sharp pain in my chest. But I will take this as a reminder of what I have to win, not what I lost.
“I’m willing to do anything for love even though it seems like I’ve already tried everything.”
